OMG!!! Christmas is ONE week away, and I am officially losing my tinsel-covered mind. I mean, seriously, how did this happen? Wasn’t it just Halloween five minutes ago? And now here we are, staring down the most magical, chaotic week of the year. Let’s break it down, shall we?

Cooking: AKA, My Kitchen Is a War Zone

First, there’s the cooking. Oh, the cooking! Christmas dinner doesn’t just happen magically—unless you have a direct line to Santa’s elves who also double as chefs. (If you do, please let me know. I’m desperate.) Instead, my kitchen looks like it’s been hit by a gingerbread tornado. There are flour footprints leading to the fridge, sprinkles embedded in places sprinkles should never be, and my dog somehow got into the eggnog batter. Yes, the batter.

Cooking during Christmas is like starring in your own reality TV show, where the clock is ticking, the oven timer is beeping, and you’re furiously Googling “what to do when your roast beef looks like a hockey puck.” If that’s not holiday spirit, I don’t know what is.

Entertaining: Smiling Through the Chaos

And then there’s entertaining. Because apparently, hosting a Christmas party is a legal requirement. You can’t just skip it—the holiday police will come and confiscate your festive lights. So, you clean the house (or at least shove everything into a closet), light a pine-scented candle, and pray that your guests don’t notice the dust bunny convention under your couch.

“Oh, your tree is so beautiful!” they say, while you silently scream, “THANK YOU, I ALMOST BROKE MY LEG CLIMBING THE LADDER TO HANG THAT STAR!” And let’s not even get started on the small talk. After the fifth round of “What’s new with you?” all I can think of saying is, “I’m tired. So tired.” Which brings me to…

Gift Shopping: The Real Hunger Games

If you thought Black Friday was intense, try shopping the week before Christmas. It’s a battleground out there. I once saw two grown adults fight over the last scented candle at Bath & Body Works, and honestly, I get it.

Shopping lists are long, time is short, and let’s be real—no one knows what Uncle Bob wants. Every year, it’s the same internal debate: “Does he need another tie? Or should I just get him socks?” The answer is always socks. Socks never fail. But still, I’ll be wandering the aisles, dodging carts, and muttering, “Why didn’t I just shop online in October?”

Gift Wrapping: Pinterest vs. Reality

Once you’ve bought the gifts, you’re not done. Oh no. Now you have to wrap them. This is where Christmas dreams go to die. I always start with such high hopes.

“This year,” I tell myself, “I’ll make each package look like a work of art!” Ten minutes later, I’m wrestling with a roll of tape, cutting wrapping paper so jagged it looks like I used a chainsaw, and slapping on a crooked bow that says, “Close enough.”

It’s fine. Nobody’s judging. Except my dog, who is sitting in the pile of discarded paper and staring at me with pure disdain.

I’m So Tired, But I Can’t Sleep Through the Holiday

Here’s the thing: Christmas is exhausting, but there’s no time to sleep. Between the late-night wrapping sessions, early-morning cookie baking, and endless reruns of Home Alone, sleep is just a distant dream.

“Sleep in January,” I tell myself. But by January, I’ll be so far gone that I’ll need a month-long hibernation to recover. Someone hand me a coffee—preferably one spiked with Bailey’s.

Carolers, Eggnog, and Fruitcake, Oh My!

Let’s talk about the other “highlights” of the season. Carolers show up at your door singing songs so cheerful, you feel like a Grinch for wishing they’d stop after the third verse. Eggnog is delicious…until you’ve had too much and start questioning why you thought drinking melted custard was a good idea. And fruitcake? Let’s just say it’s the holiday gift that keeps on giving, because nobody ever eats it.

Cookies: The Sweet Spot

The one bright spot in all this madness is the cookies. Christmas cookies are the MVPs of the season. Sugar cookies, gingerbread men, chocolate crinkles—they’re all here to save the day. Sure, half of them end up slightly burned, and the frosting is more “abstract art” than “Pinterest perfect,” but who cares? Cookies are cookies, and they’re always a win.

All the Holidays

And let’s not forget, Christmas is just one piece of the December puzzle. There’s Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, and so many other celebrations happening this month. Honestly, December is a non-stop party. By New Year’s, I’ll be so partied out, I’ll toast the ball drop with a glass of water and go straight to bed.

So, here’s to the final countdown. Christmas is ONE WEEK AWAY, people. We’re almost there. Hang those stockings, bake those cookies, and remember: it’s not about perfection. It’s about the memories, the laughter, and the shared joy (even if it’s through gritted teeth while untangling lights). You’ve got this. And if you don’t? There’s always next year. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, Bougie.